And where the fuck am I with it? Trying to get a grip on this, to find a way in. I know of no way!! I could smash my way in, I suppose. Tap a hole in a window and reach in and turn the knob. What would that look like in real time? Find a gap in Chapter 3 where I left off? Am I still really beating my head over Chapter 3? Isn’t it time to move on? The rest of it though I am equally unsure about, so there is that. Chapter 3 has always been a…
I feel virtuous and clean. I don’t know if the words are any good, they might not be! No matter. They accumulate. They give me raw material to work with. I feel content and like I belong in my world. 30 minutes @ 500 words. All it takes for that.
is that there is still a disconnect for me about how it actually helps. I think it’s because I need to not look for ways for it to help that are linear. Like, it’s not that people will read it and then it will completely change their lives and everyone will become better people. I think it’s like: it is an inherent thing that helps if it is a thing that is completely itself. And that’s what art is. You make something that people can love, and that is how you help.
It’s a modest number, but do-able. Better than 100. Better than nothing. Not as daunting as 1000. Gives me time to sit and stare and meditate on the words, but still holds me to account for actually getting something down. Current tactic is navigating by feel. No forced marches. There is a lot of scaffolding, some of it permanent, some semi-permanent. I can orient myself with the permanent markers and within that write what I feel like writing. So far, so good.
