Last pomodoro of the morning, then I can be free. It is hard to re-enter. The inertia of all of those blank days with no x’s. Let’s start again. Get out the notes. Write 200 words on anything. One pomodoro earns the x. And then we can go outside.
the cultural and familial assumption of the supremacy of the left brain. The rational, logical stuff, which I definitely have, I mean that’s the side that’s good at language. But to come to terms with the fact that I might be EVEN MORE right brained. And to allow it. And to stand up for it. And defend it. Permission to be an artist. Still a very big deal.
I suppose we can’t let the kids watch ALL DAY, I mean I would probably have it in me to do so, but let’s use the time I have right now wisely. Let’s start with the Catbirds. Let’s work on it as though it is finish-able, just for a fun thought exercise, yes? As though the work on it is finite and there is an end to it and the more work I do right now is less that I have to do later and is all the closer to the end goal, which is to truly finish it. Let’s…
she sits on a little chair and uses the piano bench as her desk and writes squiggly lines across pages and pages of paper. She stresses out about it, says, “I’m not going to finish it before Grandma leaves!” or “I need to finish it before we go camping!” She won’t say what it’s about. Yesterday she was sitting at the kitchen table bemoaning the fact that her book wasn’t going to be done before Grandma leaves and I said, “So go work on it.” And she said, “I can’t, I need a snack first.” It is incredibly mind-blowing to…
Okay. What was the question? What am I trying to do. I would like a list of the central big plot questions and I would like to brainstorm solutions so that I can begin to pick off the remaining to-dos one by one so that I can feel good about something called “completion” and begin to send out queries with reckless abandon and feel like if someone actually wants to see the manuscript I won’t have to scramble. Also, I could give it to people to read. That’s a noble cause, right? Right. Let’s open up the docs and see…
I feel a repulsion because the end is where the biggest, most glaring weaknesses live. It is just a list. I just want to list out what happens so that it is easier to look at and think about. This list is going to be a tool for thinking, I don’t know how that thinking is going to happen. Do I need to know that? Not at this sitting. I just need to carry on with the list. There will be pre-reqs for the thinking, and they will include a clean space and silence and solitude. I will figure out…
and I would like to do today what I said I was going to do yesterday. To that end, I will be CLOSING MY INTERNET BROWSER for the next hour, and not opening it. Hear that, Sarah? CLOSED. The Internet is closed to you until noon. Offline. Even for quick checks.
This particular thinking problem is TOO BIG and encompasses like, the whole book, and I can’t wrap my head around the whole book all at once, dammit. There are too many lost opportunities going on here. I need an entire WEEK all, all alone, with someone to bring me my meals, and a really long, conference-room length conference table (except: I don’t want to retreat to some abysmal convention center or something), okay, I want an ENTIRE WEEK up at the Buddhist retreat center and I want a hallway with a hallway-length whiteboard and windows looking out onto the pines.…
guess there’s no reason to announce that before it’s a thing, aye? But really, it is helpful to notice that reluctance to go in is not a character flaw but the part of my brain that lives in book world is acutely aware that we don’t know what to do next and so is less than motivated to get me there. I have not touched the books for months and months and then gone in and realized: oh! what is going on is I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT, that is all. Can keep me away for a long…
I did some planning, wrote out a map for the rest of Ch. 8, and THAT was a bitch. Constant distractions, which I succumbed to. Check the bank balance. Google the life cycle of fungus gnats, so I can develop a plan of attack for a couple of houseplants that have them. Make more tea. Look to see when I’m going to get charged for Daily Burn? Look at the upcoming bills. Contemplate whether or not I need to get something for Valentine’s Day. ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhh But the book… the map for the rest of chapter 8, I am probably in…
